Asking Permission

Today you’ll be learning the 3 questions you need to ask yourself when you feel like you have to ask permission of someone else to change the way you are parenting your child.

I had a conversation with a new mum over the last week who I had been helping to establish breastfeeding and to adjust to the shock of being a first time mum. She was having a bit of a difficult time but she was doing an amazing job to get through all the hurdles that she had been presented. At 3am in the morning she was struggling with feeding and her milk wasn’t coming. The  baby was very hungry and crying so she chose to give the baby some formula which bubs accepted and then the whole family got some sleep.

She spoke to me the next day and said “I thought about calling you and asking you if I should give my baby formula”. I’m so glad she didn’t! It’s not because I would have said no (I would have told her to go ahead if she wanted to), but because as a mum you don’t need to or feel pressured to ask permission from anyone else!

I’m sure you’ve experienced it, knowing in your gut that you want to change something – the type of food your child eats, sleeping patterns, screen time, breastfeeding / bottle feeding, discipline techniques etc… But instead of feeling empowered to make the decision on your own, you’ve gone and asked a whole heap of people to get their ‘advice’ – often permission in disguise! When you do finally make a decision, it might not be what YOU wanted and then you end up feeling guilty, resentful and hopeless as a mum.

One of the main core pillars of being a mum that I stand for is choosing to be the type of mum you want to be, the emphasis on the YOU! Not what your parents want you to be, or what your parents did. Nor what your friends or work colleagues want to you to be, and definitely not what you think society wants you to be either.

There are only three people who matter in the decision making process of parenting – the parents and the child! Everyone else can have their opinions or beliefs about what they think the parents should do for their child but ultimately it is up to the parents to make the decision. As children get older they too of course should be involved in making  decisions that directly impact them and are of course age and developmentally appropriate.

The first aim I have when helping all my clients is to get a clear idea of the type of mum that they want to be. Once you have this empowerment it  will give you a sense of certainty and direction for your actions. You then have your own code of conduct and it will clarify your parenting values.

Ultimately in order to be happy and fulfilled as a mum, you need to know the type of mum that you want to be. When you know that you can reflect any potential decisions back on whether it moves you towards or away from this desire.

So let’s talk about it. There are three questions you need to ask yourself when you are faced with making a decision and you feel like you need to ask permission from someone else.

Here are the questions:

1. Does this decision support the type of mum I want to be?

It’s a simple yes or no question. If the answer is yes, just go ahead and do it. If it’s a no then move onto question number 2.

2. Why do I feel as if I need to make a decision that takes me away from being the type of mum I want to be?

This can be a more complex answer.

  • Is it because you feel pressured by others?
  • Is it because you want to take another direction?
  • Or is it because you need to try something else because what your doing right now isn’t working?

Perhaps if you still aren’t clear at this point. It might be suitable to ask yourself the third question.

3. Is there someone I can talk to about this decision who can go through the different options in a respectful and no pressure manner?

It never hurts to ask for advice as knowledge is power and it does take a village to raise a child. Just make sure that the person who you turn to is respectful and loving of your, your family and your child and will ultimately respect your decision even if they disagree with it!

When you make decisions for yourself, for your child and for your family based on someone else then there is a good chance that you won’t be happy with it. You may end up feeling angry and resentful at another person for pushing you or even worse, experience the dreadful Mummy Guilt. All of this will not result in you being a happy mum.

Hope you’ve loved the blog.

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Next week I’ll be talking about how to deal with unwanted parenting advice! Now that’s a big one!

Speak to you then

Heather

xo

P.S.  Don’t forget you can get in contact with me anytime here with your questions or comments.

 

T

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