In my practice I come across a multitude of mothers who want to change their child’s behaviour.
They want to stop the tantrums, the sibling rivalry, improve sleep patterns, stop aggression and so on. And of course don’t forget about the kids not listening! There is a wealth of information out there on different parenting / discipline techniques for how to manage these very common and normal childhood behaviours. However there seems to be a lack of focus on the role of exploring the mothers thoughts and beliefs in solving their child’s challenging behaviour.
I specialise in helping mums communicate effectively with their children and help them stop yelling at their children so they can become calm and patient mums. I have found that 99% of the time the behaviour that their children exhibit that is causing them to feel frustrated, angry or overwhelmed is completely normal for their age and developmental level. It is their mothers’ reaction to it that is the real problem.
If all mums do is focus on changing their child’s behaviour without looking within themselves, then success is either short lived, doesn’t happen or parenting feels like a constant battle against their child. They still end up feeling frustrated, angry and yelling at their kids.
By the time mums get to me they’ve tried everything else with little to no success and they are at the end of their rope.
And the first thing we focus on is them!
It is a well know concept within the psychological sciences and coaching fields that the thoughts you think create your reality.
The thoughts you think (particularly the thoughts you think most frequently) and the resulting feelings you experience create your beliefs and in turn your beliefs will influence the action you take in your life. Patterns of behaviour in return influences our thoughts and the cyclic pattern continues.
Understanding this process is crucial to realising how why we change. It is incredibly hard, almost impossible to effect change in our life by solely focusing on our actions, it is after all only one piece of the puzzle.
If we look through the thought-belief-action cycle, there is one place where we have 100% control – the thoughts that we think!
The first thing I work with mums on is taking responsibility for change – for helping them realise and accept that in order to effect change in their family they must first look at themselves. How are they reacting to their child’s behaviour and is that helping the situation or instead making it worse? What steps can they take within themselves to help manage their emotional reaction? Why it is so important for them to be certain of who they are as a person and the type of mother they want to be for their children and for their children to remember them as. These questions are not necessarily easy to answer and can bring up a lot of emotions and resistance within them.
Once we’ve had that first chat together and mums come to realise that they are the one that needs to change first, they have taken responsibility for effecting change in their family.
When you take responsibility for a situation, your thoughts have changed because you have stopped thinking outside of yourself for the solution and instead look within you. This shift changes your beliefs – you now believe that you are in control, that you have the power to change the situation. Once you believe that you are in control and you are in a position of effect and not at cause, then you can achieve anything!
It is then you reach the stage of changing your behaviour.
This is when you stake steps to effectively manage stress and look after yourself. This is why you ask yourself “How can I help this situation and parent effectively?” It’s here you start to communicate effectively with your children and you stop yelling. This is when you change your whole attitude to life, to parenting and your journey through motherhood. This is when the focus is on YOU!
The process of change can be outlined and appear quite easy at first. However we all know that changing a pattern of behaviour, a habit, takes commitment and support, and that is why I am here.
Over the next few weeks I will be releasing a series of blogs and videos on different aspects of how you can become a calmer and more patient mum so if you haven’t joined the Blissed Out Mums community then now is the time to. Join the Happy Mum = Happy Kids Facebook Group to get exclusive access to tips, techniques, blogs, videos, special offers and more.
If you’d like to take it a bit deeper then pop your details in below and I’ll give you a call and we’ll organise a time that suits us both to have a chat. My passion is helping mums look after themselves for the benefit of children and family as a whole. I’m here to support and guide you, not judge you.
Let’s speak soon!